sucky way number 7

C is for Carmelo
and his carmel brown eyes.
C is also for Commitment which is what he says he is ready for now.
The sucky way of Carmelo is this:
He spoke to me of marriage and our having 10 kids. I did not take it too seriously at the time, but it still felt good to hear.
Then, ...man how to describe the sucky ways of Carmelo...
2 years my junior at the age of 27, he was having a torrid affair with a married coworker. Married to a pissed off middle eastern man. The affair was still hot when he met me at a party. Yadda Yadda Yadda 6 months later I confronted him in a lie. The lie of:

"No, that's not pussy you smell on my face."

He could not take it, and departed. I had said;
"you need to be honest with me so I can keep my emotions in check."
But, he could not face it and lied.
(The blonde wife of m. e. man had left for the middle east 2 weeks after Carmelo vanished from my life)
That was full on six years ago.
2 months ago he calls me, after a failed marriage and 2 kids.

He is in love with me, but he does not know how to say it.
After a cursory period of rejection and a very 'queen of the universe' date where I was intentionally rude to him, and he showed up with a sick seventies porn mustache...
We moved back into dating.
sans the 'stache
which is
always bad
and
NEVER good.

"It just was not the right time back then," he said last night
"Now is the right time."

For me and him to be in love.

"I need you." he said
which may or may not be a sucky way of him, I cannot wrangle that one.

The sucky way of Carmelo is that I never did stop loving him.
And out of all the men who have returned to me, this is the only one that I HAD to let back in my life.
Because I could not and cannot deny him.

Such a sucky thing. Love and all the complications it carries with it into the adult world.
Now he is ready to introduce me to those two kids.

"If we got married, and I grew the mustache back," he said
"What would you do?"

Promptly I replied that I would hire a hot French maid named Fifi.

If we got married.
and he grew back the 'stache.

Damn, what kind of sucky way is this, to weave into my matrix?

But I always lead with my heart, and not with my head.
I have always loved him and now I find I still do adore him, and even with all of his sucky ways, I don't like anyone else as much as the warm embrace and carmel brown eyes, the tender way he strokes my hair, how he writes me haiku, and all the other perfect ways of long lost Carmelo, who could not bear to live without me.

100 Ways Why My Matrix Sucks

B
IS FOR BREAST AS IN MY LEFT ONE, THE ONE THAT HURTS ALMOST CONSTANTLY, THE ONE THAT SEEMS TO BE ON FIRE, THE ONE THAT IS LARGER THAN THE RIGHT ONE. LUCY (AS OPPOSED TO ETHEL, THE RIGHT ONE) HAS BEEN BARED AND PRODDED SEVERAL TIMES BY DIFFERENT DOCTORS, WHO ALL SEEM TO THINK SHE IS A-OK.
LUCY IS NOT A-OK. LUCY HURTS LIKE HELL, AND CANNOT GET UP TO HER WACKY HI-JINX IN THIS CONDITION.
B IS FOR SCARED OF NOT GETTING AN ANSWER AS TO WHY IT IS IN CONSTANT PAIN, AND B IS FOR ANXIETY OF JUST LEAVING IT GO FOR 5 MORE YEARS.
A MAMMOGRAM WILL NOT DO, THEY DO NOT MAKE MACHINES THAT BIG, AND EVEN IF THEY DID, I AM NOT FOND OF THINKING OF MY MASSIVE BOOB BEING SQUISHED INTO A 1 INCH THIN PANCAKE.
HELL NO! I BET FOR SURE IF TESTICULAR CANCER WAS DIAGNOSED BY SQUEEZING A MAN'S BALLS TO A 1 CENTIMETER PANCAKE, THAT THE ENTIRE TECHNOLOGY WOULD BE REDEFINED AND A BETTER WAY INVENTED ASAP.

B IS FOR BUSY TOO BUSY TO DATE, TO BLOG, TO PERFORM ORDINARY TASKS LIKE GROCERY SHOPPING OR KEEPING UP WITH OTHER DAILY CHORES. I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS JUST ENTERING HIGH SCHOOL, HOW I WOULD SELECT MY OUTFIT FOR THE NEXT DAY, AND CAREFULLY PAINT MY NAILS AT NIGHT, THEN TAKING 30-40 MINUTES TO PERFECTLY APPLY MAKEUP IN THE MORNING. THESE DAYS I TAKE 4 MINUTES TO DRESS AND DO MY MAKEUP IN 3 MINUTES WHILE RIDING THE BUS.
BUT I STILL LOOK FABULOUS (MOST DAYS) I AM JUST TOO BUSY TO DO ANYTHING FUN OR TIME-CONSUMING. I REMEMBER MY FATHER ADMONISHING ME FOR WANTING TO BE 30 WHEN I WAS JUST BARELY A TEEN (I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE 30) HE TOLD ME TO SLOW DOWN ALL THE TIME AND WARNED ME TO JUST BE YOUNG AND RELAX, SAYING IT WOULD NOT BE LIKE THAT AGAIN UNTIL I GOT VERY OLD. I ALWAYS WANTED A BUSY LIFE, BUT NOW THAT I AM HAVING ONE, I SEEM TO HAVE THINGS TO FILL MY TIME THAT NEVER GET DONE. THINGS THAT I KNOW I WOULD BE GOOD AT, LIKE PAINTING, WRITING AND A TOTAL HOUSEWIDE ORGANIZATION SPREE.

WELL ANYWAY, IT IS 5:30 AM AND I NEED TO GET 4 HOURS SLEEP BEFORE I GO TO SCHOOL AGAIN TO STUDY AND WRITE ASSESSMENT REPORTS WITH MY FRIEND. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A HOT NOODLE EAT OFF TO SEE WHO HAS THE TOUGHER PALETTE. I DO NOT THINK I WILL WIN.

2 MORE B'S WHEN I AM NOT SO BUSY!




IT IS MIDTERMS AND I AM SLACKING ON THE BLOG-A-RINO
BUT BOLSTERED BY AN UNUSUAL 24 HOUR SPAN OF PMS LAST WEEK, AND INSPIRED BY VARIOUS IRRITATIONS, HERE IS A LIST OF 100 THINGS THAT SUCK IN MY MATRIX:

(I WILL BE ADDING TO THEM EVERY DAY UNTIL IT IS FINISHED)

A
IS FOR REALLY CRAPPY MODERN ART, IT MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT ON THE ARTIST AND CALL IT "MODERN ART" IT MAKES ME WANT TO TACK MY DIRTY UNDERPANTS ONTO A SCREEN, FLASH A COUPLE OF PICTURES OF BEAVERS BUILDING A DAM ON SAID SCREEN WITH A PROJECTOR, CALL IT "MODERN ART INSTALLATION" AND CHARGE 37.6 MILLION DOLLARS FOR IT.

ALSO A IS FOR ATTITUDE HONEY, I SO DO NOT CARE THAT YOU ARE THE COVETED "ASIAN LOOK" "ETHNIC" SORORITY GIRL WITH A WHITE MAMMA AND A RICH JAPANESE DADDY WHO SENT YOU TO BUSINESS SCHOOL AND YOU ARE NOW AN ASSISTANT MANAGER AT THE BROKE DOWN BAGEL CHAIN WHERE I GET MY COFFEE ON THE WAY TO CLASS WHICH I AM LATE FOR BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SHOW ME WHO IS BOSS BY FINISHING A 3 MINUTE LONG STAREDOWN AT THE SCHEDULE BEFORE YOU TELL PIMPLE FACE REDHEAD KID TO "GO DOWNSTAIRS AND SLICE TOMATOS" AT WHICH POINT YOU FINALLY TURN TO ME AND PROCEED TO MAKE A FACE LIKE YOU ARE STRAINING TO PASS A PARTICULARLY HARD TURD LEFT OVER FROM THAT HAMBURGER YOU ATE LAST WEDNESDAY, WHICH WAS, COINCIDENTALLY, THE LAST TIME YOU FED YOURSELF. YOU INTERRUPTED HELPFUL COUNTER BOY TO TELL HIM YOU WOULD MAKE MY BLENDED CARMEL LATTE (THE ONLY THING THAT HELPS MY HEADACHE ON WEDNESDAYS) YOU PROCEEDED TO CHARGE ME FOR TWO COFFEE DRINKS, AND THEN, WHEN I POINTED OUT YOUR MISTAKE, YOU JUST GLARE AND SILENTLY PLACE MY MUCH NEEDED CAFFEINE ON THE COUNTER, SNIFF, AND TURN AWAY. I DO NOT CARE THAT YOUR HAIR IS LONG AND LUSTROUS AS YOU FLIP IT IN MY FACE IN OBVIOUS IRRITATION. YES I AM SOOOO SORRY THAT I MADE YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO TAKE MONEY AND PRODUCE A PRODUCT AS OPPOSED TO THE INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT TASK OF DECIDING WHO IS WORTHY ENOUGH TO SLICE TOMATOS IN THE BASEMENT.
BUT YOU FORGOT MY EFFING CARMEL BITCH, YOU OVERCHARGED ME, YOU WERE A SNOT AND A SNOB AND I? I AM FRIENDS WITH YOUR MANAGER.

AND WHILE WE ARE AT IT:
A IS FOR THE ASSHOLE WHO COMES TO THE OUTDOOR SPORTS BAR ON NIGHTS THAT THE SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM WINS AND SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS UNTIL 3:30 IN THE MORNING AFTER BREAKING BOTTLES IN THE STREET AND ON THE SIDEWALK. ASSHOLE, I LIVE HERE, AND I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YOUR VOICE ANYMORE, YOU TOLD ME TO EFF MYSELF WHEN I ASKED YOU NICELY TO KEEP IT DOWN, BUT WHAT YOU DO NOT KNOW IS THAT I OVERHEARD YOUR DRUNK ASS TELL THE PIZZA DELIVERY DRIVER YOUR HOME ADDRESS AS YOU FINALLY POURED YOUR DISGUSTING SELF INTO THE TAXICAB. YOU HAD BETTER HOPE THAT I DO NOT GET BORED ENOUGH TO EXACT MY REVENGE IN THE FORM OF MULTIPLE "BILL ME LATER" MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION CARDS COLLECTED FROM DOCTORS OFFICE WAITING ROOMS.

ADDITIONALLY, A IS FOR ALL OF THE LITTLE FURRY AND FEATHERED FRIENDS (VICTIMS) THAT MY CAT MAKES ON A DAILY BASIS. SHE IS ONE OF THE SMARTEST WEE BEASTIES THAT I HAVE KNOWN AND SO SHE WILL PRODUCE UP TO 3 MICE AND 2 BIRDS IN ONE DAY. THAT IS 3 MICE THAT I MUST CORRAL AND 2 BIRDS THAT I MUST HOLD IN MY HANDS AS THE ARE TERRIFIED AND SOMETIMES BLEEDING.
CURRENTLY THERE IS A 3 DAY MOUSE WHO HAS BEEN CAUGHT 6 OR 7 TIMES BY A SMART CAT WHO NOW REALIZES THAT DROPPING IT AT MY FEET ONLY RESULTS IN RAPID REMOVAL. SO NOW, I PLAY MOUSE-TAG, FOLLOWING HER THROUGH THE HOUSE LIKE AN IDIOT ONLY TO SEE HER DROP IT UNDER MY BED....

CURRENTLY THAT 3 DAY MOUSE IS JUST CHILLIN' IN AN ANTIQUE BUTTER CROCK IN MY KITCHEN. HE HAS BEEN WELL FED AND IS AWAITING HIS RELEASE THIS MORNING AS SOON AS IT WARMS UP.

THE BIRD IN MY BEDROOM IN A CAGE HAS A COMPLETELY BROKEN WING AN MUST BE IN ENORMOUS PAIN RIGHT NOW, BUT AS I APPROACH IT, IT BECOMES TERRIFIED AND WHIPS IT'S BLEEDING WING AROUND IN A FRENZY.

IT SUCKS MAJORLY AND IS MY OWN FAULT. YESTERDAY WHEN I SCOLDED THE CAT AND EXPRESSLY ASKED HER TO NOT BRING ANY MORE MICE INDOORS, I NEGLECTED TO EXTEND THE REQUEST TO INCLUDE YOUNG BIRDS.

SHE IS A VERY SMART CAT. I WONDER IF I CAN TEACH HER ABOUT BUDDHISM.